Not quite sure how to explain how i feel right now, as it is a mixture of love, care, sadness, frustration, and nerve wrecking. Well, bitter sweet, i guess that's what it is.
Max and I did face time to each other yesterday, it was such a great experience and brought us closer due to the app's amazing features of in time video chat conversation. Max and I both enjoyed the time we spent with each other and were thankful how fantastic this made us feel so positive and great. And I, was even closer to the excitement as i was about to show him this blog today, hoping he would appreciate my effort in creating something belongs to both of us for the first time. How nice and exciting!!
And man showed me he was in such a great place to hang out with his friend - Johanna, hope he had great time there!
After what happened last night, it seemed that right now i was pushed to the total opposite side of emotions, and i even questioned myself if i still want to show him this blog, as well as if i should take sometime off for myself sometimes rather than thinking about us so intensely all the time...
The night before, Max was invited by his cousins in Hamburg to chill and party, i was so happy for him but was worried about his next day early appointment, and wishing that he would not miss it as he told me in the morning that it was important. I always care too much about the people around me, particular my monkey, and i hope that is not something bad to be considered to make any change of myself. I tried to remind him of the appointment till 3am in the morning, just in case monkey got tipsy and forgotten, well that was the best i could do for him.
Not surprisingly, monkey woke up late in the morning. I then asked him how about his appointment missed? He said nothing to worry about as he cancelled it the night before, which sounds great, but i wished he would have told me if he really cancelled it, because he knew i was worried about it all the way till next morning. Or maybe he never cancelled it, he just missed it, i really don't know. It upset me slightly, but I swallowed it myself, and would never bring this up now if the below incidents did not happen.
Monkey said he invited his cousins back to his yesterday as well as Johanna, they would have a night out together, which sounded great again! Although eventually he went out only with Johanna, oops... I did not care too much as i know they need to catch up and have a great time as friends. In reality, i wonder if i would do something similar, well maybe not, to picture myself going out with Josh or Reuben, or any male friend only, it's weird for me as we were not dating. But maybe it's okay too, i just need to try that next time and see how i feel about it.
Anyway, monkey told me he would not stay up too late, and there would still be a chance that we could still do facetime with each other after he returned. I had lot's of work to do at home, did not expect to go to bed early anyway, so yes, that sounded like another exciting arrangement which can happen somehow. But what i learnt last night was, i need to take monkey's words not so seriously regarding any possibilities because expectation always leads to disappointment, monkey was not even back to his till i woke up around 3am this morning again.... To be fair, monkey did not do anything wrong in this case, but i need to set up a line for myself and will never ever consider any likely possibilities unless everything is settled 100%.
So based on slightly concern about monkey was out with a female friend, and did not return till am, i sent him a msg and asked him how it went last night? He said he was in a club for an event on his own. The frustration and fierce immediately heated to my head, WHAT??
I trust monkey, and always do. The moment he said he was on his own, i did believe him 100% that he was on his own. But why on his own, that was actually my question. I can never do two nights party in a roll, and i simply did not understand what the joy and happiness is when monkey was on this second night out with a female friend, then ended up on his own, and he was still enjoying his moment, i highly doubt if he still remembered what he said to me before he left home - not to stay up late? Hope he would say it only when he means it next time.
Do i care how late he returns while having a good time? Of course not, he can stay up as late as he wants as long as he tells me. But in this case, he did the opposite of what he said. Added all the mixed feelings together, i decided to go back to sleep rather than spoiling his night, but monkey's wechat voice msgs suddenly kicked in. I did not want to listen as i was at the moment of being pissed off, but i still did, as those msgs were from monkey, whom i cared too much.
I seriously wished i had went to sleep instead. Monkey asked why i was bothering him, and told me off and stop to wind him up... He told me not to wind him up a few times through all the msgs. Guess what? I did not feel any better rather than being even pissed off!! I did all the hard work spent my night creating this blog for us, but got BS in return?! I turned my both phone off immediately and went to bed, yes that's it! Suit yourself!
I will be busy working today, and will spend sometime reflecting myself too as i feel i am like a lost child somehow, but at last i will be fine. This will be my Sunday.
